Fighting For A Voice

Finding My Voice

Michelle Erhard** NEVER put yourself in danger, if you are still in an abusive relationship, seek help. You can find local Victim Agencies to assist you with SAFELY leaving the abusive situation that you are in. Please remember, it is not your fault and you are not alone.

Sometimes you feel as though you are stuck – you can’t do things that you can’t move forward in your life because of memories, symptoms, thoughts, feelings and life events that are part of the result of the abuse you sustained.

Today, I accept the abuse as part of my life. The work I have had to do and continue to do to get over the effects of this abuse has made me stronger. Now I am in charge of my life; not my abuser, allowing myself to be the person that I WANT to be.

These poems remind me of who I am today and where I have been:

After A While - 37kb
Another Woman - 50kb

This is the start of a journal's I have made about my life, no spell check, no one looking at my grammar.... Just my thoughts and memories because I have lost so much time. I hope you are able to find something out of this section or in the shared stories that may remind you that you are not alone. You can move forward and be strong, safe, healthy and happy in your life, without any fears.

I I met my abuser June 30, 1998, he was my brothers, fiance, sisters boyfriend. My abuser and I attended high school together , he was two years ahead of me. I didn't remember to much about him, except we had a few friends in common. You would think knowing he was involved in a relationship I would have paid no attention, but the way he payed attention to me that first night, made me feel so beautiful. The first night, I knew I wanted him and I would wait until he was ready for me. (You would think that I would have known from the relationship that he was in and who he was with that I was wrong for what I wanted. But for the first time I felt like a women. Not like the tom-boy that was all the guys really great friend.)

Over the next month I was attentive to both him and his girlfriend. I befriended her and him both. We would all hang out, travel and I supported both of them while their relationship was falling apart. Then it happened they finally broke up. She was accusing him of physically hurting her, forcing sex and saying terrible things. I didn't believe her, I knew she had a history of trying to get peoples attention by claiming outrageous things and he said that she was lying trying to make him look like a bad person. (I wondered how she could say such terrible things when he was always so well mannered, polite and thoughtful of us while we were out.) The final night my abuser and his ex-girlfriend and I spent time together was at a party, where we came back to my house. His ex-girlfriend went to bed in my room and we sat up talking. He cooked some chicken on the grill and we ate and laughed for hours. Out of no where we began to make out, this continued into my parents room, where we finished the night having sex.

The first week in August my abuser went with my family and I to my home town for the fair. We had such an amazing time. The last night we were there, we were sitting on the porch swing and he was talked to me and started to touch my face and brush my hair out of my face, I was so excited, I didn't wait for him I leaned in for a kiss. It was perfect, soft, slow and yet short. We both smiled and sat back. We fell asleep on the swing together. After we returned home we spent all our free time together. He talked me into buying him a car, so he could drive me around.

I began to feel like I had no space. I went to work and had lunch with him. After work he would wait at my house for me to come home. He began questioning me if it took me a little longer to get home then normal. By the end of the month I wanted out. My hottie/badboy boyfriend was starting to scare me.

On a few occasions I went to leave his house earlier then 11pm and he had thrown me against the wall and put his hands around my neck. After this started happening I made excuses not to see him, but I was not a good liar because he always seem to find me. One evening at the end of August he threw me against the wall and shook me over and over again, he had me cornered and I wanted to leave, I pushed him away from me because telling him to let me go did not work. He smashed my head into the wall and held his hand over my face trying to explain why he was afraid of me leaving. Finally he let me go and I ran to my car and left, he followed me. That night he began bumping my car with his and screaming at me to pull over, I was terrified. As I turned a corner, I looked back and saw the police pulling him over. I went straight home and locked all the doors. Within a hour he began calling, telling me how much trouble he was in and if I didn't answer his call he was going to ruin my credit and not pay his car payment, and would tell my parents I took out the loan for his car. I finally answered.

I thought I understood why he acted like he did. He explained to me how his mother didn't want him and he was forced to go live with his grandparents. Then after high school he married his high school sweet heart and eventually found her in bed with two other men. He was just afraid that falling in love with me, I would hurt him, like all the other women did. Besides, he was a great guy, funny, smart, handsome, and a great dancer. For two weeks things were better, he gave me more space, and was more affectionate. He even told me I didn't have to act like a whore and give him any, because he wanted more from me then a piece of ass. ( at the time I didn't think that this comment would haunt me, I didn't think it would have been my red flag to run....)

By the end of September 1998 he was with me all the time. He would show up at my work, at the college I attended. When I came home he would be sitting in my drive way laying on the hood of his car. Some nights he would show up knocking on my window in the middle of the night to tell me he loved me. I wanted out, but he would tell my parents about his car, my smoking, and drinking habits. I could not disappoint them.

TO CONTINUE MY STORY, PLEASE GO TO SHARED STORIES.

 

 

Petition for Twin Tier Legislators to review for:
Early Intervention and Coordinated Responses. With the goal that NO “victim” of Domestic Crime goes unheard, again.

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